When I gave my notice at work (13 more days to work by the way) I felt confident and had faith in God that we are going to be okay. We really feel I am supposed to be at home. The timing really fits within our family and other aspects.
Yet here I am having doubt. To be honest I have had doubt almost every day. I think of something I hadn't thought of before (or to be honest HAD thought of when planning all of this but haven't thought of it in a while so forgot I had thought of it...yes I know I'm pathetic) and start having a mini-panic attack. I think "has Nick thought of this? If he hasn't, does he still want me to quit work? Could I get my job back? What are we going to do if this doesn't work, what, what?" Yes please try to keep the giggling to a minimum at what a GIGANTIC spaz I am.
I know that God is watching out for us. We have savings and we should be okay. My little sidenote here is that I think us having savings at this point is somewhat incredible after the last 5 months we've been through. Still I fail to see the big picture of how God provides. Seriously, what is wrong with me?
So I get out my excel budget and I type away on the numbers. Have I mentioned we still have not gotten a Nick pay check? Yes I did in fact quit my job without knowing the exact amount of take home pay my husband will have. Maybe that is a stressor here. Because this is SOOOO not like me. I think once I see that paycheck and can do the math and figure it out, then I will feel better.
But why don't I feel at least settled now? Why can't I see that God has had His hand in this thing the whole time? Why do I rely on things like "if I could just talk to Nick about this RIGHT this second" or "if I can just plug in the numbers and see that we are going to be okay"? Why do I do that? Why don't I rely on this HUGE God who loves me, who created the universe, who has storehouses of snow, yet knows how many hairs I have on my head (and how many of those have gone gray)? Why don't I?
Because I am human. Because I like having control. Even if its the power over my emotions. I can choose to freak out if I don't have faith.
So I am putting the freaking-out-pack on the shelf. School's out and I just don't need it anymore. I've got God watching my back. After all He gave me two ovaries so if things get really bad we've got SOMETHING to sell on the black market! :)