Calvin still isn't talking. We've been with our speech therapist who is wonderful and she has been having him do mouth exercises so he can now move his mouth to make the noises. The problem? He still is not communicating. He still doesn't know how to tell me what he wants. He still gets frustrated and punches people, hits his head into anything or anyone, breaks things, bites people, and throws things. I want my baby back. I want him to know I care what he wants, I want to help him, I just don't KNOW what he wants.
So we are back to Apraxia. Have I talked about this before? Apraxia is a neurological disorder in where he physically cannot figure out how to get the words out to say, please give me more crackers."
Monday our therapist told us two things: he's either incredibly stubborn or it's Apraxia. My heart hurts for my baby. Just imagine being in a party and being ignored most of the time. You have no way of telling anyone, "yes another cream puff would be delightful" or "no thank you, enough champagne for me". That must be his whole life. How freaking frustrating. No wonder we are punching walls.
She told us another thing that I was dreading...we have to sign to him. I don't know sign language. I know about as much sign language as Amish people know Mandarin Chinese...not very much.
All I can think is, what if this is his life? What if he can never speak? What if I am signing to him "smile for the camera" for graduation pictures?
I know I sound like a spaz, I know that everyone keeps telling me "he'll talk when he's ready", "he's just so little", "Einstein didn't talk till he was three" but the truth of the matter is I don't care. I want my baby to talk. I want to her "I love mama." As any mother feels, I would take his hurt and his frustration away in a New York minute. I would do that because it kills me and eats away at my heart when he's frustrated, or sad, or hurt, and can't tell me that. I don't even know when he's had a bad dream or when something scared him. His cry sounds the same for everything.
I know he'll probably talk at some point, but until that point comes all of this is painfully difficult. If he didn't have a problem I wouldn't have a team of therapists, and mountains of evaluations, and paperwork, and activities, and videos, and on and on.
Thanks for listening. I pray and cry every night that my little boy will one day be able to talk. Please pray the same.