I haven't spoken about Cal's autism for quite a while. The reason being that things had been going so well. Last year we decided to put Cal on Prozac. We were very hesitant to but in the end we felt it was the best option for us.
It had amazing results. So much so that when he was on the Prozac no one could really tell he had Autism. He was just a normal little boy...able to talk and tell us things. it has been nothing short of miraculous!
But lately the Prozac has stopped working. And I don't know if it's because he's older or because things were so good for so long, but now he seems to be worse than ever before.
It is just so frustrating. And daunting and horrid.
It is a really hard thing to explain unless you have been on this boat of Autism. It is so unpredicatable. Some times are good, others are horrid. And yes I hate the horrid times but I think the thing that makes me so worn down, so tired and lonesome is the unknown of everything. Will cutting his sandwich in half make him lose it? Will he be able to handle not being in the same class as his sister?
Everything is up in the air...all of the time. And it gets hard and wears on me that this is my every day. This is the life the Lord has trusted me to. And try as I do to not complain there are times like today when I just have to lock myself in the bathroom, turn the water on so no one can hear, and just sob. Sob at what I'm not quite sure...the phone calls I've had with the Developmental Pediatrician's office for the millionth time? The books on my nightstand containing lofty information that might contain some glimmer of hope in a treatment we haven't tried? The fact that he still can't tell me things I desperately want to know?
Somehow on certain days the cards I've stacked into a house all come tumbling down and the normal I have seems not normal enough.
It's just hard. I realize I am rambling but the hard thing is having a hard life in the parenting department and not having anyone really know it or understand. And there are no "sorry Autism is sucking the joy out of life" cards in the store. At least none that I've been sent :)
One of the things that has made it harder is that Cal is getting older. I'm watching him be rejected on playgrounds because of his behavior. I'm having to sweet talk soccer coaches to get him on a team. I'm having to do the walk of a desperate mom who just wants her little boy to be treated like a normal little boy. I wonder how much he notices. How much hurts him. Does any of it hurt him? What is my place as his mother? What does he hide behind those eyes that look like pools of Dr. Pepper?
This afternoon I googled devotions for autism moms and while I didn't find anything I came across this article about why Autism Moms Rock. The thing that really hit home with me was discussed under #2. It talks about how we never know who directly or indirectly will try to hurt us or our children. Here's the quote I understand:
" Like a battle-worn soldier, we throw up our emotional walls to protect us from the hurt. We wear our armor never knowing what enemy could strike in a day."
This really struck a chord with me and helped me to explain things. See when I have one easy thing to do in a day, say go to the supermarket, I stress over it and dread it. It hangs over my head like an ominous cloud. But this quote kind of helped me to solve it all...I think that it is because of the unknown regarding Cal's behavior. And the unknown of people around me. I do put my emotional walls up to make sure we are protected.
So tonight as I have a sob fest for myself I guess I can just look at that as me having to prepare myself again for another day of battle. Some days this gets so hard to fight but fight I will. I have a 5 year old Prince that needs me to fight for him. And no matter how tired and beaten down I get, I will still wake up in the morning, put on my armor, and head out to fight anyone who gets in our way.
That is, unless I'm in the bathroom crying :)