I wish I could tell you that everything here is hunky dory all of the time. As it should be.
I am a child of God for pete's sake.
Whoever Pete is.
But I am so often stressed it's just frustrating.
Nick thinks I should start smoking.
There are things that I find I am stressed about that I didn't even realize I was thinking of because they have become so engrained into my mind. Here are a few of them:
Parenting...am I doing this right?
How bad was today? I'm a terrible mother!
What am I doing wrong with Cal?
Again: I'm a terrible mother (please repeat to self 57,000 times to get the point)
Bill...are there bills due today? I paid the bills that were due earlier right? Why on earth am I in charge of paying bills anyway?
Run frantically to computer to check...again (sigh)
Of course I did.
Kick myself because I doubted myself...again.
Wonder if Nick is happy with our marriage.
Sometimes I worry about things that are just silly. Why didn't I want to call my friend today? Should I call my friend today? Is God trying to tell me that I should call my friend today but I don't want to so that's why I feel guilty for not calling my friend today? Pray that I'm doing God's will. Still not want to call my friend. Pray again. Realize I just don't want to talk on the phone.
Then realize God doesn't play head games.
Realize I over analyze everything...EVERYTHING.
Wonder if I am upset I over analyze everything when in fact God maybe designed me to over anyalyze things so am I in fact upset with the way God made me?
Please repeat "over analyzes EVERYTHING" about 1200 times more.
Where was I?
Oh yes, I feel bad about not praying enough.
About eating too much.
About sleeping too much, or too little. Of which I can usually never remember which I am guilty of that day.
Of reading too much.
Of cleaning too little.
You are probably starting to agree with Nick that I should start smoking.
At the same time.
Is that even possible?
We don't smoke, we don't chew, we don't date boys that do. then stick out tongue for affect.
I taught that song/rhyme/poem to Emma the other day.
It was while I was trying to break into someone else's car.
I about ripped off the door handle before realizing that it wasn't our car.
then we ran.
To our car.
Then we laughed some more.
I guess as long as I have moments like that throughout the day then I can deal with my constant worry and weirdness and anxiety.
I often times think its my personality. Or a disease. Or I'm just weird.
Whatever it is, I would like it to stop.