Monday, April 25, 2011

Stink List

1. Coffee...why is my coffee soooooo much better on Monday mornings than any other time? Hmmmm???? Little elf people maybe. maybe. I'm serious dude, the coffee rocks my socks.

Coffee is one of those words I have to keep typing because it looks weird to me spelled right.
And wrong.
So then I have to figure out which is right. And which is wrong.
You know what I mean right?
No?
You stink.

2. I smell of garlic. Not some oh gosh you remind me of my plumpy grandma making baked ziti smell. Nope. Rather a oh my gosh, what were you rolling around in, some type of garlic aoli all night long?
We ate at Bonefish last night for dinner.
We hardly ever eat at bonefish so really I am kind of a fish out of water ordering there.
Pun intended.
Laughing ensues...
thank you, thank you.
Wheer was eye? oh yeah...so I ordered some devil dish and the next thing you know I am warding off vampires or something.
ugh, I stink.

3. Our house is trashed. I mean, college boys came over from animal house, trashed my house and then moved on to the next one, trashed.
I'm unclear as to how this keeps happening.
Except for the fact that my kids think I am some type of maid.
What was the maid's name on the Jetson's?
Rosie?
Reebok?
Reebox?
Roseanne?
Hmm...it was something with an R.
This stinks.

4. The kids do in fact think that I am a maid. Now that I theeenk of eeeet. Shoot, gotta stop that somehow. Wasn't that a brilliant deduction? I'm certain they think of me as a maid because this is how mornings work:
Wake up, shuffle, shuffle, yawn, shuffle, shuffle
Emma comes down stairs
Calvin comes to the stairs..."momma! get me!"
Momma says "no buddy, just come downstairs"
Repeat last two lines in your head 47,000 times
Cal comes down stairs.
Sits on couch.
Yells (no matter how close I am btw): "Snack and drink!"
Repeat last line 52,000 times.
So maybe they don't think I'm a maid as much as Cal thinks I am a maid.
Which I am not.
I must disengage this behaviour.
I put u's in words sometimes to seem cool. Behaviour. Saviour. Colour. See? You think I am smart-like.
Anyway, what was I saying?
Oh the maid thing...
Yeah, being a maid stinks.

5. I have to workout this morning.
Hate working out this morning.
Or afternoon.
Or evening.
Or any other morning/afternoon/evening combo you can swip-swap at me.
This stinks.

6. I am thinking of not sending Emma to school today. I told Nick about that yesterday. Me being the world's weirdest mother doesn't just decide to skip school. Nope, gotta plan. That's me. I'm a planner.
Anywho, I told Nick I was thinking about not taking Emma to school and he asked "why not?"
And I said "because I don't feel like it."
And he said "uh huh"
These are very deep convos we have.
Don't you ever want to just stay holed up in the world and feel like you are missing things just to be together?
We just keep runnin' and runnin' and runnin'.
And that stinks

7. Dog puke. Yep, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the dog puking. Nice, huh? Cinderella awoke to singing birds. I awake to the sound of Snots working up a bone. Thanks a lot. Being the ardent house cleaner that I am (see #3) I put the pillow over my head and went back to sleep. When Nick woke up I think I managed to mutter "watch where you step. The dog puked!"
Nick didn't find it but I did. On the rug. With no socks on.
Gross.
That stunk.

8. The cat peed in my dressing room! How disgusting is that? It was last week and So the kitty has been living in the bathroom. She goes in this week to the doc to see why she did what she did. Apparently kitty's don't pee for no reason...excuse that double negative. I'm not quite believing that. I think she's secretly out to destroy me. To me it doesn't stink. I think I got it cleaned up in time. And cleaned up and cleaned up and cleaned up. But for God's sake if you come to my house and my house stinks, you have to tell me. Got it? I don't want to be THOSE people.
I think I'm going to go clean it again.
Just to make sure it doesn't stink.
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