This post is uncharacteristic of me. So I'm sorry but I get to write the blog. The word for tonight is lonely. I am so, so terrible alone. Bitterly alone. I have my children with me every day, I walk the aisles of the supermarkets with tons of people by my side, I share my opinion on motherhood to thousands of readers, and yet I am alone. The man I love is working. Always, always working. I know that it is for the best and it is for me and the children and for all of us but it always leaves me alone. He says he'll always make time for me. Do you know how much I've talked to him today? 12 minutes and 54 seconds. Yep.
When I tell him about the kids or about I am stressed about something he just tells me to stop. Stop acting that way, stop worrying, stop. I know he is trying to help but I so bitterly want to cry out "who the hell do you think you are to tell me to stop? You hardly know me anymore, you are gone all of the time. You don't get to judge my feelings or to tell me how to react to something." Errr that frustrates me.
People all the time ask me where Nick is. I think they think I am lying and we are secretly not even together. Which then makes me think, are we together? I know we are, but what keeps two people together who never, ever see one another and occasionally get to talk for 12 minutes and 54 seconds?
Even when Nick and I are together there is a pit in my stomach. Its like when you are in an abusive relationship and then you meet someone really great. You don't get too close, you keep yourself guarded. That's how I am...never letting my guard down, never enjoying time too much because soon it will all be over and he'll be gone again. If I love him too much then it hurts too much when he has to leave.
As I calm down and the tears stop flowing please let me disclaim by saying that I love my husband passionately. I know he loves me. I am just frustrated. I know if he could he would be home with us and I love that about him. I love his drive. I love his ethic. I love that he's not like anyone else I've ever met. I love that he chews stupid people out about not wanting to breastfeed and can talk my pregnancy pains until he is blue in the face. I love that he was never one of those guys who had to carry around a man bag with their child...he proudly wore the pink bag because he was a Daddy. Point being that I know he is sensitive too. He is so intune to his kids needs that that is why he is making sure I am home with them. And he is sensitive so I know that being away from us kills him just as equally. I guess maybe he should get his own blog then...