Thursday, June 17, 2010

That Devil

This week I spoke with my editor and brought up the idea of writing Cal's story out for everyone. She loved it and we are going to be splitting it up into a series. I started it Monday night when Nick was in bed. Tuesday morning I woke up in the worst mood imaginable. Tuesday thankfully Nick's mom was set to take the kids so I went back to working on it and it just sucked the life out of me. I have no explanation for this other than that sneaky devil. I know it sounds weird saying this but I really think he was attacking me. It must sound like I was just having an off day or was in a bad mood but I have NEVER felt like this. Even talking to Nick and trying to explain it to him that day I couldn't find the words. It was as if I was having the biggest pity party for Cal and was terrified about him and what was going to become of him, which is weird because you've read my previous blogs about how hopeful we are. I also physically felt like I was having a panic attack...all day long. I couldn't breathe. I was finding myself freaking out about things like "oh my gosh! I have this laundry to put away!!!" I was also having a terrible attitude about people in our lives. There are some people who we don't agree with their lifestyle or get a long with but for some reason geesh they were just on my mind and it was DRIVING me crazy. I logically was thinking, we hardly know these people, we almost never talk to them, they are secondary or third string people in our lives, they don't matter. Its not my business. But ten minutes later I would be seething. Weird I know.

All of this sounds like gibberish but here is what I know: I have a ton written and I haven't even gotten to the part with Cal's first evaluation. Plus this is the dumbed down version that is long, it doesn't have anything about our faith or my passionate love for Nick.

I guess all of this leaves me with wondering if I should write a book. We know that God doesn't do things without having a purpose. The purpose of Cal having apraxia might be to stand as an example of God's healing power and Majesty. I don't know, maybe nothing will happen but I feel as though I was being attacked by Satan when I sat down to write.

So please be praying for me. I haven't written anymore because honestly it sucked the life out of me. I need strength to get through this. We've had a ton of response from local moms anytime I've mentioned apraxia so I am confident my story could really help someone. I know how frustrated I was when I started researching that I couldn't find much first hand information. Grrr.


In other news I spoke with Cal's therapy coordinator and she thinks that she can set him up with a nutritionist. I am hoping that they can maybe check for any deficiencies that may be hindering his speech. Although he is advancing our therapist yesterday said that he is at about a year level of talking...yeehaw he's a year and a half delayed. Good and bad. I know, I know keep your chin up., It could be worse. I go in every night and watch Cal sleep and I thank God that he can talk to me and that he can say those words I never thought I would ever hear: "Love ya". :)
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