Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sobbing With Thanks


Today I just started reading "Louder Than Words" by Jenny McCarthy. Have you read this? I am in the first chapter and had to stop because I was crying so hard. Her experience with her son's seizure was so much the same as mine...the feeling helpless, the feeling of your son being ripped away from you. The experience of begging God to take your life so your son can live. The fear of not knowing if your son would ever wake up. How she described the seizure too was painfully similar: the goneness of his soul, the gasping for breath like a fish out of water, the whispering to him that mama's here, mama's here. Watching the minutes pass and thinking "seizures don't last this long". All of it just ripped at my heart and although I could stop reading I couldn't stop sobbing.



You see, now we are on the opposite side of it. Calvin is healthy and thriving, and mine. All I could do is lift my hands in my dressing room and thank God for his mercies. Feeling those raw emotions again in the midst of Calvin growing and maturing was awe-inspiring. It was like God gave me his scrapbook and said "look at what I have accomplished with him". Amazing.



I just checked on Calvin tonight and he was sleeping so peacefully. Again I found myself sobbing with gratitude to God. Two months ago I didn't know what was wrong with Cal...ever. I never knew what if he was hot or cold, in pain or uncomfortable. Nothing. His words changed everyday so his word for milk could me something different every single day. It left him completely frustrated and it left me feeling like such a complete failure as a mother..."what kind of mother can't help her child?" This evening he bumped his head and was able to come to me and point to his head and say "boo boo, mama, (kiss noise)". How unfathomably awesome that he can tell me he needs me to kiss his booboo.



I know this sounds simple but watching him starting to emerge and be silly and kind is something that is just amazing to me and is such a priceless gift from God. Its as if his personality has been covered with a giant piece of swiss cheese. Sometimes I can peek through a little mousey hole and see his silliness and kindness, but most of the time its masked with this stinky cheese layer of not being able to communicate.



I know that all things are from God and all of this is God inspired and made. Our new therapist said that Calvin was healed and I believe that with all of my being. With two different therapists from two different institutes diagnosing him with severe apraixia I know it wasn't a mis-diagnosis. I know that God heard all of our prayers and has been massaging his little mind to get those neuro pathways carved out. I can't thank you enough for your prayers and support.



Here's to what God holds in our future. :)
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