Do you ever reach that point when you are just done? I mean, D-O-N-E, done? Because I am so there.
The little disclaimer here is that I am just venting for the sake of venting. Probably none of this will make sense tomorrow. But here it goes:
I am sick of therapy. I am sick of having to go through therapy. I am sick of proving that Calvin needs therapy. I am sick of it all. I am sick of it because it makes me feel like he is something that he's not...I know he's the smartest brightest boy in the world and I hate that we have to spend time doing this and practicing how to make a long o sound rather than a short o sound when we should be out somewhere hunting for frogs or something.
I hate that when he is 3 he will no longer qualify for First Step therapy and we are basically on our own. I have known this all along but I never even thought of it because I thought "by the time he's 3 he won't even need therapy anymore" and yet here we are talking about what is going to happen once he is done and needs more therapy. Every fiber in my being screams, please! NO! He can't need more therapy. Why isn't this getting better?
He is so frustrated. I am so frustrated. I have always known that there was a chance that he would miss out on things but the rational side of me said "he's only one" and then "he's only two" and yes I know he is still only two but here are things I think of: you can't sign football plays when you are the quarterback...you have to say them. No one will know what you are saying if you are signing STOP when a stranger tries to take you. And here is the one that really gets me...what would he do if he were lost? He can't even say his name, let alone his address or our names. Would I ever see him again? It just crushes my spirits to think of these things and I know I shouldn't let myself go there again.
I need to look at all that God has given me. That Cal is completely healthy in every other way. But I am starting to face the reality that this might not be something that is going to be helped. We are exploring the option of homeschooling him because God forbid if he can't talk, how are preschool teachers going to be able to work with him?
I am not opposed to homeschooling but I don't want to because I HAVE to...I want to because I want to. I am sick of HAVING to do things. I am tired of talking for him. Of telling people "he just signed thank you to you". I am tired of putting him through therapy. Therapy that seems to not being doing much of anything aside from making me irritated and irrational and emotional.
Thank you for listening. I'm done now.