Moving Right Along

I appologize as this blog has quickly become all-Autism, all the time. 

I need to remind myself that life is not based on this diagnosis.  Things must go on. 

I was reminded this with the little tid-bit fact that...

EASTER IS NEXT WEEKEND!!!

Holey-moley, why didn't anyone tell me this? 

So any ideas that I was wanting to do need to be done.  Also I have discovered that laundry somehow cannot walk itself into the washing machine...still gotta do that.  And the washing and dusting and the mopping and the sweeping.  Those things don't just happen. 

The print above I have framed in my kitchen...it is a good reminder for me and kind of paraphrases Romans 8:28 for me:

"And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."


God's going to make sure we are okay.  That everything is okay.  That Cal is okay. 

Now I've got shopping to do. And Easter baskets to stuff. And laundry to fold.  And ironing to do.  And mopping to do.  And...

Happy Thursday :)

A Week Later

It has been one week since we received our diagnosis for Cal. 

I'm still not dealing with it well.  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  For every diagnosis Cal's received I seem to go through a type of grieving...there's the shock, being mad, denial, sadness, etc. I've been shocked.  I've been mad. I've been really, really sad. And here I sit stuck in denial.  I'm working on.  Trust me, I am. 

One day I found myself on the phone with Cal's nurse.  I kept trying to get her to tell me that he doesn't have Autism.  The poor dear had to basically, very bluntly say "no, he does have autism."  The next day I was on the phone talking with his doctor, trying to convince her I must have someone said something incorrect...surely he doesn't have Autism.  A little more reality slapped me when she told me it had nothing to do with what I told her but rather her interactions with him.  Oi.  After that I was telling Nick, "he doesn't have it, does he?" By this point Nick's getting a little sick of me not being able to come to grips with the fact that our son has Autism. 

I'm working on it.  And every day, a little more, it's all starting to set in. 

Here's where we are on everything...

Tonight we told Nick's parents.  As mentioned before they have a tendency to always say "oh he does not" when you tell them he has something.  Nick's mom likes to tell me "he's  a boy"...trust me, I know, changed those diapers...he's got boy parts.  :)  But tonight they didn't say that.  Which is good because i would have gone all Ninja Squirrel on them probably if something like that had been said.  God knew that I needed them to be okay.  Nick's dad even started asking questions which meant a lot to me...he wants to know more about this. 

Cal is going into therapy.  Well, even more therapy.  He's been in speech therapy for what seems like since the dawn of time, but we are now adding occupational therapy.  Cal was put on an 8-month waiting period.  It has felt like forever hanging over our heads (he was put on the waiting list in December).  Two days after Cal's diagnosis we got a call from the therapy team that Cal's doctor called them and he's been bumped up on the list.  Praise the Lord!!!  I couldn't imagine waiting 5 more months for a phone call. 

Our coffee table now has 4 Autism books opened on it.  Nick and I spend every spare moment we have delving in and tag-teaming each other with books.  "Hey read this part", "hey listen to this..." are what we utter to one another.  It's like living a romance book here, ladies :)  But in a way it is.  I've never seen my husband be so pro-active about Cal.  He takes care of the waiver sign-ups and waiting lists and insurance thins.  He's awesome like that.  And he's reading.  Books!  I was losing faith the man knew how to still read :).  But I love that about him.  He's inspiring me to be better. 

Cal's behavior for those of you who have been asking or wondering seems to be about the same.  When we took him to the doctor it was because he was melting down pretty much all day, every day.  About every little thing.   I guess there has been some improvement in that on some days we seem to have a good day until one thing, BAM, sets everything askew.  Other days from the morning it is, well, a living hell.  Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting, huge outbreaks about everything, until all of a sudden we have a little break.  And still on some days we have it's just all day, every day.  No end in sight.  Everything is wrong. All days, every day.  Those are horrible days. 

When Cal has an outbreak he has abnormal strength.  Our doctor told us this was normal.  This weekend was an example of that.  On our way home from dinner at Nick's mom and dad's Cal wanted to roll the window up and down.  Nick locked the window because 1) it's annoying to have the window go up and down, and 2) it was freezing outside!  Well, Cal flipped of course.  Which we can handle, we're used to this as he doesnt' do well in the car a lot of times.  Screaming, saying the same thing over and over and over and over and...understand?  Well he then got mad and ripped off the arm rest thingy with the lock/unlock and window buttons on it, he ripped it off the door.  Seriously, how can a kid have the strength to do that?  Maybe he doesn't have Autism, maybe he's turning into the Hulk...oh wait, nope, just that denial creeping in again...continuing on...

Nick said this to me long before our diagnosis, but when we knew Cal was "quirky": there is nothing wrong with our son if we find a way to love how those things make him who he is."

I've been thinking of that a lot lately.

I don't want to fix my son.  I want to help my son. 

My son needs to be happy. 

My son needs to be healthy. 

My son needs to know that he is loved. 

So somehow I need to muddle through all of this mind-numbing insurance business, and therapist hunting down, and grieving, and simply understand that Cal is what matters and his happiness.  That is all.  That is what this is all for. 

Calvin Update

Yesterday we took Cal back in to visit with his Developmental Pediatrician. 

We always seem to have these times where we (by we I mean, he, I mean, Calvin) slide backwards and I don't really notice until there is one week that is utterly horrific.  It's like a giant slap in the face that things are going terribly, terribly wrong. 

This week has been one of those weeks...Cal's up all night.  Irrational all day.  temper tantrums.  Screaming.  Hurting himself.  Obsessed with one thing all of the time.  Over and over and over and over. 

As you may remember Cal has been diagnosed with ADD and Apraxia of Speech.  We also had not taken Autism off of the table. 

So we went in yesterday to talk about yet another fun A-word: Asperger's. 

Several questionaires and an evaluation by the doctor later and we were forced to have "the talk" as I always call that time. 

Here's where we are at:

The doctor feels he's too young to be trapped under a diagnosis but she's 75-95% sure it's Asperger's.  At this point only time will tell how far back he will regress, how mind numbingly frustrating this will all become.  For now we are diagnosed as PDD-NOS, which is in the Autism Spectrum. 

I'm in tears just writing this.

It is so frustrating as a parent watching your child's progress slide and there is nothing you can do. No rhyme or reason behind it.  No clues as to how far this will go.  No way to find out how they feel or what they are thinking.  No way to know if they are happy.  No way to tell if they love you.  If they feel loved.

I don't know why a diagnosis affects me so much. Maybe it's the finality of it all.  The "this is what he has and WILL have for the rest of his existence".  Perhaps it's because my Mother-in-law has always intimated that there's nothing wrong with Cal, just that I lack any sort of parenting skills to deal with him.  I guess in a sick, weird way I was hoping that woman was right.  I was hoping the doctor would say "there is nothing wrong with this child." 

But those aren't words I am going to hear.  Ever. I don't know why I keep hoping.  I guess it's that every present hope that we mother's have...whatever the brunt of the problem is, we want to take it on ourselves, not have it be upon our children. 

Yesterday at the appointment the doctor recommended a Psychologist to try to help us figure out how to figure out Cal.  We asked about a Family Counselor...to be honest this all is VERY trying on our marraige and family life: there is much too much fighting about how to deal with Cal. 

Her answer was, "it will always be like this"...that alone made me want to curl into a ball and sob.  You need a support system is what the Doctor's told me before...you're going to fall apart, YOUR MARRIAGE is going to fall apart at the seams if you don't have someone you can call for a break. 

Yet therein lies another problem...there are no troops to call.  My parents faithfully take the kids one evening a night which is heavenly!  But they work and aren't available to come when I'm having one of those God-awful days or when Nick and I need to fight in ways other than whisper shouting at each other in the kitchen.  And sadly our kids have been, for lack of a better word, overlooked by their other grandparent's since they now have other grandchildren.  No friends, no family.  No troops storming in to help.  Goodness I wish my Aunt Jan lived closer.  I bet she's bake a casserole.  Or popcorn balls.

And so I sit here in the early morning hours after Nick goes to work.  I read every self help book about Autism and Asperger's and ADD I can get my hands on.  I wait for the storm we will inevitably have when Cal awakes.  I wonder if I can make it through this day...I pray.  Fervently I pray. 

A couple of things I should say are this:

*I know that some of you may think I am over-reacting...that we haven't gotten an Actual diagnosis yet.  But Nick and I are on the same page in believing, she's basically saying he has Asperger's...and we feel he has it too. 

*I appologize if anything I have said is harsh...I may read this and realize that some of it isn't true.  I'm not really in a state of mind right now to cover up harsh realities with sweet quips...it's my blog so you're getting my raw feelings right now.

*We wholehartedly know that things could be much, much worse.  I am in no way taking this out of perspective or anything...I just feel people, no matter how severely their child struggles, all go through a mourning period of facing the fact that their child may never manifest themselves in all of those hopes and dreams you have when they are first born. 

*We covet your prayers.  For those of you who know me on Facebook, I honestly felt your prayers raining down on us yesterday while at the doctor.  I felt more at peace than I usually do.  Please keep those prayers coming!  Pray for peace in our household and pray that we will have happy, healthy children...those are our goals overall. 

 Love you all...comment if you will :)

Welcoming Monday with a Smile

Whew!  What an incredibly busy weekend we had!  I feel like I need a weekend to get over the weekend...do you ever feel like that too?

Our weekend was wonderful albeit not completely what we had hoped for. 

Friday we went to our produce co-op, visited the library, and went to a Children's Museum that we are members at. The kids love playing there so it is a nice way to just set them loose to have some fun.  We also were able to get some banking done.  By banking I mean, we are finally opening the kids college funds (which I swear I thought we did ages ago!), and visited with our travel agent regarding our Disney Trip!!!!  Nick was also able to pick up his car FINALLY!  Praise the Lord I am so happy that we get to be a two-car family.  If it turned out that we had to be a one-car family I was going to try to bear it with grace, but oh-my-goodness I am so happy we don't have to do that!  When we got home I was making split-pea soup with ham and COMPLETELY burnt the thing.  We are still unsure what in the world I did to it.  Poor little soup.  It wasn't just kind of burnt it was burnt.  I'm talking we had to get out of the house, people were gagging, kind of burnt.  Luckily Nick's parents had invited us to a fish fry which we had previously turned down, so we called them and accepted the offer.  When we got home we watched the very first Scooby Doo cartoons on a movie we got from the library.  "Like, yikes!"  the kids loved them!  Cal has begged to watch them again since. 

Saturday was my Mom's Birthday!  She had plans so we didn't get to see her but we called and all did the yelling and screaming into the phone!  It was fun.  After that we went out and did some shopping.  I love shopping with the kiddos.  They are so fun. When we got home we had our yard day although it was a lot colder than we had planned.  Nick and I did get out potting shed completely cleared out.  I am ashamed to have to admit that that was the first time we've done that since we bought the house.  There was a lot of "what in the world is that???" asking about items we found.  We also found things like car jacks and things that we apparently inherited with the house that Nick will be able to use.  We were able to get it organized enough that we now have room to store more things more efficiently.  Score!  On top of the organization we got a lot of brush picked up and got the patio swept and ready to use!  It was so lovely to be able to go outside and say hello to the outside again! As you can see from the picture above we said "hello" to a new Easter Bunny when we got out our Spring/Easter bin to start decorating.  The kids love decorating!  Emma loves going through everything so carefully, exclaiming how everything is a treasure.  She is our treasure, that one.  And Cal makes a cute Easter Bunny. 

Sunday we were going to go to the Art Museum but decided against it.  With gas and eating we were going to be paying about $300.00 to be at an art museum for about three hours.  We decided it was an investment that we didn't need to make right now.  With the time change we woke up too late to go to church, so we decided to paint.  Ta-da!  Here is our dining room.  I am so impressed with Nick.  He tackled the painting and got two coats on and the room put back together in a day.  Wowwie!  The Dining Room was the last room downstairs that was this ugly yellowy-cream color that all of the rooms were when we moved in. 

We chose the blue because it matches my China Pattern...isn't it beautiful?

It also matches my every day dishes that we got as a wedding gift from Nick's parents.  Aren't they just as sweet as can be?  The pattern is "Melissa" by Pfaltzgraff. 

After painting all day Nick was tired.  Although I didn't paing, I was able to get a TON of deep cleaning done which was nice. 

And that was our weekend.  It feels like it was longer than it really was.  And you should know that we count Fridays as a weekend because for the most part we don't homeschool on Fridays.  Emma has Girl Scouts every other Friday so when she had it, it was really messing up our homeschooling.  So I made the lengths that we do everything longer so we can get the same amount of school done in four days instead of five.  When she doesn't have Girl Scouts it just means we have a day that we don't have to do anything, which is a lot of fun! 

I hope ya'll had a great weekend as well.  Have a wonderful Monday!

He's Home

Martha's Potting Shed

As I've mentioned before my husband has a very confusing schedule. 
Here is how it goes
week:1
monday: work
Tuesday: work
Wednesday: off
Thursday: off
Friday: work
Saturday: work
Sunday Work

Week 2:
Monday: off
Tuesday: off
Wednesday: work
Thursday: work
Friday: off
Saturday:off
Sunday: off

It's an okay schedule.  I'm not too keen on having my husband gone for weekends, but at least its only half of the weekends, right?  Week 1 is horrid when we are in the trenches.  And I shouldn't even say the entire week, it's just that 3 day weekend when he has to work.  I

Inevitably he always works the weekend that there is something totally awesome to do that I REALLY don't want to take the kids to by myself...last weekend Nick suggested I take the kids to a sugar camp and spend the ENTIRE day making Maple Syrup with them.  It does sound like a lot of fun...provided Nick was with me.  But two kids by myself sounds like a lot of meltdowns for kids and for Moms. 

But this weekend he has off!  Praise the Lord!  I am so super excited to have this guy home with me.  It's just unbelievable.  We've been working on all of us getting along...Monday and Tuesday were wonderful so I have high hopes for the weekend.

We have big plans for the weekend, do you?

In big plans I mean I have way too much stuff planned for us to do so I am sure it will be busy and exhausting, but a lot of fun. 

I am planning on us going to the bank (yee-haw) and FINALLY getting the kids ACTUAL college funds set up. We can move their money into their own accounts. 

We are going to the produce co-op this weekend for fruits and veggies. 

We are going to the library. 

We are going to the library sale. 

We are going shopping for clothes on Saturday.

We are going to the Detroit Museum of Fine Art.

We are going to the Astoria bakery in downtown Detroit where they make the best things in the whole-wide world. Seriously.  You need to check this place out. 

Nick is getting the crib out of our house.  First it was a crib.  Then we took some of the parts off and made it a partial crib.  Then we made it into a toddler bed.  And finally we are done with it.  Each step required taking parts off, so we are collecting all of the parts and Nick is dumping it at his mom's house so she can take it to one of Nick's cousins who is having a baby.  I am going to be so happy to have it out of my house, just so I can free up some space.

We are having a family work day outside.  We are going to get the yard tended, get our flower beds and garden beds ready for planting, and we are all collectively going through the sheds to get rid of what we no longer need.  I'm hoping we will be prone to being outside more if we have everything neat and tidy. 

So as you can see, the weekend is going to be super-duper busy.  I can't wait though as these are the days that memories are being made. 

I'll post on Monday...have a great weekend in the meantime!

My Mullet Purse

This past week the best husband ever...EVER!  bought me a new purse.  I think he know's I need a little buying off after being gone for 10 days in a row with 14 hour work days...I don't really need bought off.  Please, I'm not shallow.  I just like to try to make up reasons that he does things for me to bug me...

Uh-oh, someone's got himeself a girlfriend...

Just teasing.  And if you're an ardent blog reader you can see that we've made up.  I mean, we weren't fighting but I think a few blogs ago I may have sounded, maybe, well....hmmm....disgruntled, perhaps? 

Anyway, the picture above is one of what the inside of my purse looks like.  It has two sides surrounded by a zippered portion in the middle.  I like this purse because it is HUGE.  I could lose a small car in this purse.  It will be perfect for throwing files in it and going out on the town for homeschooling adventures. 

Anyway, as convenient as this purse is, I also feel a little too dumb to use it and always seem to lose things.  So I designed a system. 

Here's what I told Nick: "My purse is like a mullet.  Business in the front (wallet, agenda, etc.), Party (homeschooling materials, magazines, "extras") in the back."

Ya like that? 

Nick thinks I am going insane. 

So, see? I have a mullet purse!

I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!
:)

Cherishing Yesterday

One can surely know it is March here by the various weather we have had all thrown together this week.  One day we had weather in the forties with rain and gusts of wind that could take down a tree.  The next we had bitter winds with huge snowflakes that languished to the ground, never sticking.  The next day we awoke to a thick blanket of snow covering the land.  By the following day the snow had gone, leaving a damp world welcoming the temperatures in the seventies that followed the next with light wind and openly dancing sunlight. 

So be it, it is spring in the Midwest, which makes me happy as I delight at the days ahead.  That is after all the true meaning of Spring, isn't it?  The ability of March to tempt us of what is to come and yet also remind us of what is behind, is a thing of beauty in it's own right: giving us that rare moment where we are standing on the threshold of seasons and can hope and reflect collectively. 

Yesterday was a day of heavenly proportions.  Not in that anything phenomenal happened, but rather that it was a day of everyday bliss, one that makes you sure you've seen a bit of God's love radiating down in some earthly form. 

Nicholas had the day off, so we jaunted off to a new store we (I!) had heard of.  It is a teaching/educational store but it was dubbed as a "homeschooler's headquarters" so off we went.  It was an hour away in a village I had never been to, let alone could have found on a map previous to our trek.  It was a joy though in that it was a place Nick had developed and worked with when he was in Economic Development.  It was such fun to see him explain to me what had been done and what was still needed.  What he had suggested for the city and whom he had worked with from the village to shape and form the plans. 

The store in and of itself was small, but mighty.  It had so many things I had only heard of.  I'm sure many of you have done this yourselves...you hear of something or see it online and think "I could order that from anywhere online" if you don't have it near you, but so often I forget to even look for it.  It is a fleeting moment of inspiration and then forgotten. Well so many of those items that I've seen in a magazine or read about, were there! 

Afterwards we drove around, and then decided that we needed to go to a small store to look for my Mom a Birthday gift.  I found her, by the way, a beautiful pendant.  It is nothing "Spectacular" but I think she will enjoy it.  It's always such a job to find something my mom will like.  oi. But while I was purchasing the necklace from an older lady she told me "your children are absolutely precious.  Cherish your time with them."  Ah, those blessed words we all as mothers need to hear from time to time.  Precious!  Cherish!  Tears sprang to my eyes as I could tell she spoke with tender memories of her own children in her heart...yes I do cherish them and find them tender.  But I need to do that more. 

Afterwards we found a tucked-away toyshop for the children to discover.  It is always fun for both child and parent when you discover a toystore that is unique in its own right, and warrents a good searching through and enjoying.  A store where you find yourself enjoying a book on an endless pile of pillows, blissfully unaware of how much time has lapsed. 

Soon thereafter we were on our way home, where we picked up Lucy and our golf clubs and headed out to the neighborhood park.  The children loved hitting golf balls and running around.  The sunshine danced through the ancient trees onto their innocent faces.  It was a beautiful day. 

When we came home we made homemade pizzas and had lots of fun laughing and just being a family. 

Is there anything more  lovely than being a family?

There is nothing about yesterday I would have changed.  Not a thing.

Today we are in for a day filled with school before they are swept away by their Grandmother for a day of fun with her.  And as I run through our day of school and chores and everything else that needs done, I will be sure to cherish. 

Cherish. 

Product Love: East Shore Mustard

I wanted to take a wee-bit o time today to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart...

it's called Mustard. 

East Shore Mustard to be more exact.  I love this stuff.  Pardon the horrid photo...perhaps I should open up a new email address for complaints on photos...we'll direct those to my husband.  Make sure you drop hints like "buy that woman a dslr for God's sake"...you know, things like that.

Anyway you can buy the mustard directly on their website.  We first discovered the mustard at the Silly Goose Store in Door County when we were up at the cottage a few years ago.  Since then I have been in love with that stuff.  Since then I have purchased it at the Round Barn Winery which a scoch closer to where we live. 

I usually eat it like this...tons of pretzels and the mustard.  The kids don't like the mustard as it is a little too spicy for them, so most of the pretzels are eaten by hungry children who like to act like they are never, ever, not ever, never fed. 

And I should mention the spicy factor...it does have a little. It's a weird spicy/sweet thing going on in your mouth when eating it...I think I would compare the spiciness to a horseradishness. 

I think I have a certain type of rad-ishness going on as well, wouldn't you agree?  :) 

Anyway, go and order yourself some great mustard.  It's made in Wisconsin, I don't get paid to talk about it, and that's that. 

The Ideal Day vs. The Everyday

In my mind I admit that I often romanticize what I how I would like our home to look and how I would like our homelife to be:

Classical music would be playing in the background, soft light streams through the solarium windows at all times. The house would be spotless.  I envision myself in an apron contentedly folding laundry as I look on at the children playing quietly together in the adjoining room. 

My husband would come home and everything would be better.  We'd practically dance around him, Little Women-esque upon his arrival. 

All would be right with the world. 

Errrrt-goes the record stopping suddenly.  For that is hardly how things are.  

Admittedly our home runs a lot smoother when Nick's not home.  And that makes me sad.  We're working on it, I'm praying about it, but it makes me sad.  For some reason it just seems like everythings' more chaotic when he gets home...ugh. 

I do wear an apron, but usually it's over my pajama top and some sweats I managed to throw on before attending to some disgruntled child who's mad again that I turned off their lights when they fell asleep.  How rude of me, I know!

Classical music does in fact play in our house and I love it...but when Nick's home we have a constant play-by-play and replay and instant replay and called play and re-re-re play of every sport known to the Western Hemisphere thanks to ESPN and SportsCenter streaming through the house...like, oh yeah, go team -whatever-is-playing, go!

 And things around here hardly ever run smoothly.  Let me fill you in on our last week...

Nick jumped a curb on the freeway.  I am carless worried about the money it will cost to have his fixed. 

Sans car, I'm stuck in the house with two kids. 

Still worried about the money.

Twice this week I needed the car which meant we had to wake our children up at 3:30 in the morning to take Daddy to work. 

He got to be at work while I got to deal with the two children who had been awoken at 3:30 in the morning.

My vacuum is in the shop. 

Nick told me to spend $50.00 on it...it's getting fixed but it's over $100.00!

My dishwasher is on the fritz!  On the fritz meaning I can't be talk on the phone in the kitchen when it's on because you can't hear me!!!

We got a "we're not paying this you dumb people" letter from the insurance on a doctor's appointment that they said they would pay for.  I'm confident it was a mistake, just nevertheless irritating.

Nick has had to work a lot of overtime.  He works 14 hour days so when he works he comes home, eats dinner that he will undoubtedly criticize, and then fall asleep on the couch...a real romance going on here folks :)

Nick yesterday described to me our home as being "nothing is the way I want it"...well thanks a lot mr. snotty pants

Yesterday I was driving by a gas station and saw gas had jumped over 20 cents!  From 3.77 to 3.99!  I rushed to a gas station and was so excited I found it for 3.76!!!  I was putting it into park at the pump when the digital board and pumps changed to 3.99!  SOOOO frustrating!

This morning I went to open the foyer door and the doorknob fell apart in my hand.  Again, dealing with it on my own because my husband is at work. 

Yesterday I had to cancel all of our plans and skip the library sale I've been looking for because I thought the kids had lice!  EeEEEEEkk!!!  So the nit combing had to be done and everything we own had to be cleaned. 

Okay, enough ranting.  I just wanted to show you how this week has been.  I feel lonely because Nick's at work.  He's grumpy, understandably, but I'm lonely and it definitely makes for a rub between us.  I don't usually complain too much but I wanted to show you that at times people go through valleys.  Through horrible times (although I can't say this is a horrible time, just an ick week).  But we press on.  We turn our sights to the Lord who is leading us through it all.  We're giving Him praise in it all. 

Because afterall, things could always be worse.  At the height of my lice-indused frustration yesterday was the word that tornadoes had demolished peoples homes in Southern Indiana.  And family members. And their hopes and dreams. 

Things can always be worse.  Things could always be better. But right now I am in the everyday.  I am going to have to choose to change my point of view and make the everyday the ideal day.  For someday our home will be as quiet as a tomb.  And I will miss the sticky handprints on the door frame.  I'll miss the goggled kids running around with swords.  I'll miss the everyday worries that helped build my faith in God. 

The ideal day of the older version of me is today's everyday...

"...She always faces tomorrow with a smile"

Proverbs 31:25b

The Message

So off I go to see!  As I'm hearing a play-by-play, someone apparently has been stabbed in the eye with a light saber...

Happy Saturday everyone!  Smile for tomorrow :)