My Autism Meltdown Today

I haven't spoken about Cal's autism for quite a while.  The reason being that things had been going so well.  Last year we decided to put Cal on Prozac.  We were very hesitant to but in the end we felt it was the best option for us.
It had amazing results.  So much so that when he was on the Prozac no one could really tell he had Autism.  He was just a normal little boy...able to talk and tell us things.  it has been nothing short of miraculous!

But lately the Prozac has stopped working.  And I don't know if it's because he's older or because things were so good for so long, but now he seems to be worse than ever before.

It is just so frustrating.  And daunting and horrid.

It is a really hard thing to explain unless you have been on this boat of Autism.  It is so unpredicatable.  Some times are good, others are horrid.  And yes I hate the horrid times but I think the thing that makes me so worn down, so tired and lonesome is the unknown of everything.  Will cutting his sandwich in half make him lose it?  Will he be able to handle not being in the same class as his sister?  

Everything is up in the air...all of the time.  And it gets hard and wears on me that this is my every day.  This is the life the Lord has trusted me to.  And try as I do to not complain there are times like today when I just have to lock myself in the bathroom, turn the water on so no one can hear, and just sob.  Sob at what I'm not quite sure...the phone calls I've had with the Developmental Pediatrician's office for the millionth time?  The books on my nightstand containing lofty information that might contain some glimmer of hope in a treatment we haven't tried?  The fact that he still can't tell me things I desperately want to know?

Somehow on certain days the cards I've stacked into a house all come tumbling down and the normal I have seems not normal enough.

It's just hard.  I realize I am rambling but the hard thing is having a hard life in the parenting department and not having anyone really know it or understand.  And there are no "sorry Autism is sucking the joy out of life" cards in the store.  At least none that I've been sent :)

One of the things that has made it harder is that Cal is getting older.  I'm watching him be rejected on playgrounds because of his behavior.  I'm having to sweet talk soccer coaches to get him on a team.  I'm having to do the walk of a desperate mom who just wants her little boy to be treated like a normal little boy. I wonder how much he notices.  How much hurts him.  Does any of it hurt him?  What is my place as his mother?  What does he hide behind those eyes that look like pools of Dr. Pepper?

This afternoon I googled devotions for autism moms and while I didn't find anything I came across this article about why Autism Moms Rock.  The thing that really hit home with me was discussed under #2.  It talks about how we never know who directly or indirectly will try to hurt us or our children. Here's the quote I understand:

  " Like a battle-worn soldier, we throw up our emotional walls to protect us from the hurt. We wear our armor never knowing what enemy could strike in a day."

This really struck a chord with me and helped me to explain things.  See when I have one easy thing to do in a day, say go to the supermarket, I stress over it and dread it.  It hangs over my head like an ominous cloud.  But this quote kind of helped me to solve it all...I think that it is because of the unknown regarding Cal's behavior.  And the unknown of people around me.  I do put my emotional walls up to make sure we are protected.  

So tonight as I have a sob fest for myself I guess I can just look at that as me having to prepare myself again for another day of battle.  Some days this gets so hard to fight but fight I will.  I have a 5 year old Prince that needs me to fight for him.  And no matter how tired and beaten down I get, I will still wake up in the morning, put on my armor, and head out to fight anyone who gets in our way. 

That is, unless I'm in the bathroom crying :)  

Part 3: Disney World! : Arriving at Magic Kingdom

Well being the meanest Mommy ever we settled into our room before hitting up the actual Disney part of Disney.  I had to get everything unpacked and ready to go.  I also had special little outfits that my friend who owns a business made for us.  I was able to send her a picture of a pair of matching outfits I spotted on Pinterest and she was able to recreate them.  And I loved them!  So we got ready to go and set out for the shuttle stop right outside of our hotel room.

And then the ominous clouds rolled in. * If you've never been to Florida just know, it rains almost every afternoon!  Be prepared!  Rain ponchos are a must!  I bought a ton of them from the Dollar Tree to take because who in the world would want to reuse a poncho??  I don't even know how you could?  It's all wet and you have to try to fold it back up?  For the birds!  Just consider buying them as one time use only!  They come two to the pack for a buck.  They were also useful for throwing all of our stuff in the stroller and then putting one over the stroller.

Anyway, the shuttle came and away we went.  I don't think I've ever been so excited in my life!  Is that pathetic of what????  I'm going with not pathetic, cool!  I kept squeezing Nick's hand in excitement!

As we were riding there big, thick drops started to wet the windows and by the time we got there a Monsoon had ensued.  Thunder, lightening, the works.  As the weather had warned us the week before, we were in for not the normal Florida showers here and there but rain all week, every day.  And not just rain, storms.  I have no beef with rain.  I do have beef with lightening as I'm holding an umbrella and pushing an aluminum stroller carrying my child.  That seems to logically pose a threat in my mind somehow.

So we waited at the station where the shuttle drops off.  And we waited, and we waited, and we waited.  Ugh.  Probably about 45 minutes later we decided it just wasn't going to stop.   So we made a run for it.  Magic Kingdom was right there and we were just holding it at an arm's length from our children.  Poor little dears.

So we went.  We ponchoed up, we ran.  We laughed.  In the end we made a memory and had fun.  And the mom part of me is still a little ticked that it rained.  Their little custom ordered outfits were a bust, Emma's shoes were ruined and everything was just blah and wet.  But I think that's just to me.  To the children they had a wonderful time and were in Disney!!!  And that is all that matters :)  I just need to remind my memory bank of that occasionally, lol =)

 Can you see the rain falling?  This is the first area you see in Disney...so cute!  I just kept squealing (in my mind, of course!) We're here!!!  We're finally here!!!  Eeek!

 Poncho clad kids...so cute!  See Cal's? We had to tie it behind him it was so big on him!  Getting mad that mom and dad are trying to wait out the storm...grrr.  It was comforting to know that all of the flags on buildings there are actually lightening rods in disguise!  They've thought of everything!

 I hate being wet.  Nick knew I was sucking at enjoying this time.  So he started taking my picture.  Going to kill him!  This is my I'm appeasing you at the same time I'm plotting your death smile.

Welcome to Disney!  It's raining!  But we finally made it!!!

Here's our little rain soaked little boy.  I dragged him into the City Hall and he was freezing! Isn't he adorable???  

As we've talked about before, Cal is Autistic.  This did make me a little worried because there are so many things that he has a really hard time dealing with.  Put all of those things together away from home with tiredness and hunger factored in and well, we could very well end up in a very bad situation.  

Cal's doctor was EXTREMELY helpful with this.  She gave us helpful situations.  She prescribed a fast acting anxiety medication for him.  And she wrote a doctor's note for Disney explaining his condition.  So here comes my tip...

*If you need special arrangements or accommodations made go to City Hall at Magic Kingdom first (you may be able to start at any of the parks but I had read that getting a special accommodation at, say Animal Kingdom would not necessarily be valid at any of the other parks.  But if you get it first from Magic Kingdom you are in like Flinn at all of the other parks...hope that makes sense).   You do not need a Doctor's note (they wouldn't even think of looking at mine) and the person you are getting accommodations for needs to be there (so little Jacky can't go ride teacups while you get it for him, just an fyi). 

Anywho, Disney was very understanding.  They gave us a special pass for our stroller that allowed us to use it somewhat as a wheelchair.  That if he was freaking out and we needed to keep him in the stroller, we could wheel it on in to rides and things when strollers usually are not allowed.  *TIP: if they offer something, take it!  I thought, he doesn't really use a stroller so we don't need that. But the lady encouraged me to take it "just in case" and I am so thankful because by the end of the trip he was pulling the shade over him in the stroller and refusing to come out he was so overwhelmed.  Eek.  

Also, they gave us a pass which could basically be used as a Fast Pass.  I will say that Calvin is not severely Autistic.  We are very blessed.  So when we got these things I felt almost silly, he was such a sweet boy just having fun.  But crowds and small spaces cause him to freak, so when he started stimming and yelling, we would pull out the card and be able to use it.  It was so nice to use when we had to and a comfort to know we had it if we should need it but we thankfully didn't need to use it the entire time.  By the end of the week though we were having to use it a lot more but again, it was so, so nice to have when we needed it.  It truly made our vacation magical in times it could have become absolutely horrific.  (Seriously sometime when Cal stims he chokes me and that's just not fun folks!) 

Sorry this is taking so long, but it's my blog and I want to write every dab nabit thing down!  Did I say that right?  This may take months :)

Here are this posts blogged in a nutshell:
* Know it rains...a lot (I think.  Everytime I've been to Florida it's rained in the afternoon)
*Buy rain ponchos at Dollar Tree.  I bought enough to have four per person.
*If you need special accommodations on rides and things just ask what can be done.  City Hall at Magic Kingdom is a great place to start.

I'll continue with my blog series next week...stay tuned!